i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
