i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Small penises have feelings too.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
