I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
