I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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