she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
