god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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