and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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