Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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