i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize