I could make wine with my vomit
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
