FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
