And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
