i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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