why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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