I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
