Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
