apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my sisters under your porch take her home
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
