did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
