While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
