someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
