tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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