i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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