we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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