I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
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