Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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