My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
