Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
