Can i not drive my cunt home
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize