his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
