you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
