I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
