I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
