The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
