I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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