I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
