My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My ATM looks so different sober.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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