My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
