Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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