She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
