How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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