I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
