I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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