we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
