I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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