my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
