Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Holy shit dude........stairs
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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