I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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