I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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