Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
