last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
