u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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