Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize