im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
