My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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