I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
