Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The uberlube is also flammable
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
