my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
